As a child, I was good at anything until I wasn't and then I quit. I learned this method of always feeling good about myself because I was always a success. I rarely had to deal with failure. There was one thing I longed for in life that this trick didn't work for, however. A loving, lasting partnership. A romance that lasted past the first three months of infatuation.
I explored open relationships as a young woman when things got difficult in my primary relationships. This was simply a way to get out of the relationship that didn't work. Later, I almost married a man who was committed to open relationship as a long term lifestyle. It wasn't what I really wanted but it worked for a few years because he was so honest and would tell any women he approached that he was in an open relationship and they all turned him down. He just wanted to have sex. Those were his exact words to me at one point when I was having chronic health issues that hindered my sexuality. This is why he wanted open relationship. He wanted to have sex with as many women as possible. He was a very loving, sweet man, but he didn't want a partnership. The purpose for him in a relationship was to have a reliable sex partner, not a life partner. It became clear as my spiritual practice and healing process progressed that our life paths were not going in the same direction. Our purpose in relationship was not the same.
I was clear that my purpose in being in love relationships and exploring sexuality was to bring me closer to feeling the oneness of divine light. Merging, surrender, I knew it was possible, I read books on it, I took tantra workshops, I just needed to prepare myself and I knew I would find the right person. Part of preparing myself involved a process of opening up my sexual energy which was actually very shut down. In order to face my fears and limitations, I moved to an intentional community that specialized in tantric sexuality, open relationships, and sexual/spiritual awakening. I had many partners that all played crucial roles in helping me face my fear of sexuality and just cut loose and have fun. Yet what I really longed for was not available there.
So I found a yoga ashram that seemed to have the best of everything I had explored so far. The Yogi claimed to be a tantric master, but not just in sexuality, in all of life. He taught powerful hatha yoga practices as well as spiritual life skills that helped me to get to the root of some of the things that were hindering me. I had my first taste of spiritual practices that could liberate me from the limitations of my ego training. I ended up moving to live near this Yogi and help build the ashram. I started to learn how to stick with things past the initial infatuation, how to see the joy in beginning each day anew, with fresh eyes, stepping out of the familiar and living in the unknown. I learned to love my failures as much as my successes. I learned to love life just the way it is. I also fell in love, truly in love, with a man for the first time. I felt I could truly surrender to my love for this man. We were both equally committed to spiritual practice, to growth and healing, and to partnership. We studied together at the ashram for eight years, taking turns supporting eachother through rough spots and rejoicing in each layer of liberation.
Recently, it became clear that we had learned all we could at the ashram and we began the process of stepping out into the world on our own. Now we are falling in love all over again. (Geoffrey keeps cutting his hair drastically so I feel like I am taking a new guy home every few months.) Through the process of re-orienting our lives and discovering new directions for growth, our partnership is deepening. We are discovering that we are still equally committed to our spiritual growth and exploring how our partnership can enhance that process for each of us as individuals as well as for the partnership itself. The partnership has become an entity greater than just the two of us added together. In the merging process a stronger container is held by two together than one can hold alone. So more spiritual energy can be generated and held. There is more energy to lift us up together. There is more energy to burn through the barriers. (And I mean burn. Burn, baby, burn.)
I am so grateful to have this precious opportunity to explore spiritual partnership and to share it with the world. I know how rare it is, though many people long for it. I feel Geoffrey and I have been preparing for this for many lifetimes. And the world is so ready for it as well. The time is here. Hallelujah!
Give Yourself To Love
by Kate Wolf
Kind friends all gather round
There's something I would say
What brings us together here
Has blessed us all today
Love has made a circle
That holds us all inside
Strangers are as family
Loneliness can't hide
Just give yourself to love
If love is what you're after
Open up your heart to
The tears and laughter
Give yourself to love
Give yourself to love
Love is born in fire
It's planted like a seed
Love can't give you everything
But it will give you what you need
Love comes when you are ready
Love comes when you're afraid
It will be your greatest teacher
The best friend you have made
So Just give yourself to love
If love is what you're after
Open up your heart to
The tears and laughter
Give yourself to love
Give yourself to love
I've walked these mountains in the rain
I've learned to love the wind
I've been up before the sunrise
Just to watch the day begin
I always knew I'd find you
But I never did know how
Like sunshine on a cloudy day
You stand before me now
So Just give yourself to love
If love is what you're after
Open up your heart to
The tears and laughter
Give yourself to love
Give yourself to love
Sama
Sama Morningstar is a Certified Massage Therapist, Thai Yoga Massage Therapist, Yoga Instructor, Doula, and Spiritual Life Coach. She and her partner, Geoffrey Huckabay have just recently opened a healing center in Garberville, CA called the Abundant Light Healing Sanctuary. They are both available for healing and consultation sessions locally and remotely. Please feel free to contact them through this blog.
Thank You Sama for sharing part of your growth.
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